From early in our lives, we are taught not to question our parents and teachers and to respect authority. As social beings we want to be liked by other people and tend to avoid conflict. As a result, we learn to put our needs to one side. We come to believe that it is easier to just soldier on, keep our heads down and accommodate bad treatment or unattainable demands. We learn that standing up for ourselves, getting our needs met or making space for our wishes might be met with resistance, criticism or conflict.

It is okay to say no, to set boundaries and to be assertive when you need to have your needs met. Mastering assertiveness is an essential skill that can allow you to communicate effectively, intercede in negative behaviours and employ positive solutions, all of which can improve your mental health and make you more resilient.

A few steps you can take to master assertiveness are

  • Practice saying “no.”
  • manage or adjust your tone of voice. You can be polite and still communicate your needs. Your tone of voice should be forward, firm and clear you want your message to come across with confidence.
  • Practice focusing on the present and the future. Dwelling on the past or bringing up past grievances may do more harm than good if you are learning or relearning to be assertive.

If you have the tendency to be a “people pleaser” or a “pushover,” you probably have a difficult time asserting yourself, you may feel guilty for trying to be more assertive or you might worry about what people will think of you. Even though there are things you can do on your own to learn how to be more positively assertive, you may need to reach out for additional help. Mental health services, such as talk therapy, psychotherapy, or life coaching can help you learn how to be more assertive and in turn, allow you to teach by example. This is especially beneficial for children, learning to be assertive from a young age can equip your child with the vital life skills they need to communicate, delegate and problem solve effectively.

If being assertive does not come naturally or was not learned during childhood or adolescence, you can reach out to a life coach or other mental health professional to help you master assertiveness. Setting boundaries and communicating effectively can have positive benefits to your mental health and wellbeing.